'When both parents and kids expect instant gratification, it's a playbook for stress'

As a supermodel, Nethra Raghuraman left quite a mark on the Indian fashion scene. Then she moved from ramp to screen, earning appreciation for her performance in movies like ‘Bhopal Express’ and ‘Thakshak’ in the late ’90s. She showed her daredevil side by winning the first season of 'Khatron ke Khiladi' in 2008. But the Bengaluru-born model stepped away from the limelight when she married Singapore-based businessman Kunal Guha . Raghuraman, who is now a mindfulness coach, spoke to Neha Bhayana about her 10-year-old daughter and why she keeps her away from social media

Ten can be a tricky age as your child transitions from being a kid to a pre-teen. How are you coping?

When you are raising a kid, every few years there is a learning curve for parents. You have to be mentally ready to accept the changes and then it gets easier to deal with things. Many times, parents feel shocked that their kid is behaving so differently, or so unlike them, but the fact remains that the kid is an individual and many other factors are affecting their lives, and thus their transitions. My only ask is that the value system that we as parents have been inculcating in our child, remain strong.
As a parent, that too as the mother, there are many times we argue — with each one trying to hold their own. I understand that it is normal. That it is hard. That it needs to be done. That, it is I, who has to be more understanding, more mature, more accepting than a 10-year-old child. This understanding and acceptance are the key to coping with the transitions.

How would you rate parenting on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the toughest?

It is never easy, although many parents expect it to be and are a bit taken aback when the hard work never ceases. I’m not sure if I can give it a number on a scale — some days feel like a three and some feel like a 12! You may think it’s a regular day and suddenly, it’s not. But I will say this, hard or not, it’s an amazing feeling seeing these young kids grow and mature and become more and more independent. Reminds me constantly of myself when I was growing up.

You have introduced yourself as a ‘sustainable mama’ on Instagram . Tell us how you are raising your kid in an eco-friendly way.

I am one of those who believe in using only as much as you need. From the time she was little, I have been teaching my child about the necessity to not waste, to not buy things just because you can or you are bored or because someone else has it. So, we are not those who will keep shopping and gather stuff. When I was her age, I experienced water shortages and till date I do not waste any water. My grandparents and parents would barely use any plastic. Food waste would get composted for our plants. Vegetable and fruit peels would be fed to the cows. We used coconut husks to clean our dishes and water used in the kitchen to wash produce would get reused to rinse or water plants. So, sustainability is in my core and although I cannot live up to those early days, I hope that through my practices at least some parts of it will continue to travel with the next generations. I make my own skincare and my brand will be launching soon. All my products are one with nature. I strongly believe that what we use should not pollute our earth. It’s important that we use products that don’t cause environmental toxicity.

You have left the glamour world and become a mindfulness practitioner. Tell us about your journey. When and how did you get interested in mindfulness?

I have been an Art of Living follower since 2008. I had the most amazing teachers and with the sudarshan kriya , I managed to change my life and outlook. I come from a family that’s into yoga and meditation as a way of life, so all this comes easily and naturally to me. I got trained as a mindfulness coach in Singapore and used that learning to conduct eight-week mindfulness-based courses as well as do personal one-on-one counselling sessions. When you see how it can impact someone’s life, change their perspective, give them strength as well as confidence, it’s extremely fulfilling. So many people I have counselled have come back to say how different and positive their lives are, and that’s truly a humbling experience. Right now, I am working towards mindfulness-based counselling for teens and young adults to build their self-esteem and confidence in themselves, especially in today’s world where they are being so severely impacted by social media and the multitude of influencers suggesting how they should live their lives.

You have been promoting a methodology called ‘radical acceptance’ for leading a happier life. Tell us about this.

‘Radical acceptance’ is a process that teaches you to let go of all that’s holding you back and allows you to move ahead in life and grow without baggage. It can change your life for the better but it is something that can and will happen only when the person truly wants to change.

The US surgeon general has termed parenting stress a major public health concern. Do you think today’s parents are expecting too much from themselves and their kids and are therefore responsible for the stress in some way?


I think parenting stress has been around forever. If a parent is invested in their child’s life, then parenting stress is a constant companion. The difference between earlier and the present is that parents are now less accepting and more demanding or we are less aware and over-indulgent. All these factors can affect our kids in a bad way. Kids also have so much information made available to them — more unwanted than wanted, unfortunately. Between their knowledge and demands (whether right or wrong), the pressures of earning and providing a good life for them (including providing things they can do very well without), the general stress of living lives, parenting is definitely stressful.

Two things are quite different now than even a decade earlier. The first is that our lives are more hectic than ever. The second (and the more upsetting factor) is the availability of instant gratification with the press of a button, whether it’s a Swiggy delivery
or a way to reduce boredom by pressing a button on your phone. People have lost touch with important practices like patience and forgiveness. Everyone is quick to take offence, quick to respond, quick to get angry. These practices follow us into our parenting, whether unknowingly or subconsciously and can trigger a lot of stress. If both parents and kids expect instant gratification, how is that not a playbook for deep stress?

Firm or fun — how would you describe yourself as a parent?

Well, I just asked my daughter this question and she says I am somewhere in-between.

The incidence of depression and anxiety among children has been rising. As a mindfulness practitioner, how do you suggest we tackle this?

It is a big necessity to stop kids from getting onto social media platforms till they are 18. To not follow and not share should be the mantra. I have yet to meet one kid who, after being exposed to social media, is unaffected or ‘normal’. Kids lose touch with reality, and lose touch with themselves. As they lose their grounding (with who they intrinsically are), they start feeling pressured to be someone they are not, and anxiety takes over.
As a mindfulness practitioner, I teach some quick and easy meditations that help with grounding. I try to connect them to who they are intrinsically, to their value system, to loving their true self and not the suggested social media version. I truly believe we can reduce teen anxiety by keeping kids away from social media and helping them stay aware and in the present which is a core principle of mindfulness.

What life lessons do you hope to teach your child?

As parents, we all hope that our kids’ lives are happy and healthy. I have many life lessons that I live by, and I can’t be sure that all of those will be accepted. But a few that I hope become a part of my daughter’s life are: